Photoshop in any other name

is just as bad:

pixelmator is a PS clone.

Don't you even dare to say that photoediting with this programme makes what you're doing okay.

it doesn't.

not only does it make you a shitty little photoshop user but it means you're too cheap to pay the kid at PCWorld for it.

And if you comment about GIMP or GIMPSHOP I'll track you down kill you slowly with broken lens glass.

Finally - the correct use of PS

http://www.startribune.com/local/19043254.html?location_refer=Local%20+%20Metro

what do you do if you work in a company making year books for rich little high-school kids and they tell you they want all the shots to have the same size head and eyes at the same level?

fuck with the photos, obviously! if only i could find some examples to show you.

On People's PSing

PSwhore - hey, checkout the photoshopping I did to this picture. its not my normal style, do you think its too much?

A-R-P: YES. it was too much when you paid the chump at PCWorld for the software, fool.

just a quick one

someone asked me about the PS way to straighten photos as some of their's were a little bit on the wonk.

why even bother? if you're unable to stand up straight or hold your camera level you won't be able to find the free-transform option or even drag out some guidelines.

and, to be honest you don't deserve the gift of sight either. i suggested the person blind themselves as it would save a lot of bother in the long-run.

RGB photos WITHOUT PHOTOSHOP!

Split RGB shots are all the rage (according to whatcameradoineed? magazine) but they suggest you split the RGB channels and assign each one to three different photos and then merge them in Photoshop.

why bother?

simply spray your subject or model with hydro-clora-pscdic-admifoli-ristobulin? this 'magic' spray splits light waves into their three component channels and, using light-eating nanotechnology can remove one, two or even all three of the RGB components leaving you with the colour you wanted to create that amazing look!

simple when you know how!

PLEASE NOTE:
Be sure to get the 'hydro-clora-pscdic-admifoli-ristobulin-proform plus' antidote spray as without it the surrounding area will be coated with the light-eating nanotechnology and will eventually lose all colour saturation and begin attracting dark-matter. If left untreated this dark-matter will form into a meta-matter that has the potential to break the traditional dimension's of space and time into the 12 dimensions of string-theory and by doing this will cause the universe and all matter contained within it to cease to exist.

then who would see your pretty picture?

Keeping bystanders out of your Perfect Picture

Many photoshop users will tell you stories about some of the latest techniques in Photoshop cs3 for removing non-consistent objects in photographs.  For example if you take 10 photographs of a street scene and then convert these to a smart object in Photoshop and perform a median function, you can remove the moving objects, such as people.

Why go through all this pissing arsery with photoshop when simply running around your local town square with a detonator made of an old calculator and a tv aerial screaming 'i'll fucking do it damn it!' will clear it in no time.

Sports Photography fish-eye coolness

So you've got some mates who do skateboarding inbetween smoking resin and touching themselves and they've asked you to take some photos because their GCSE design project needs brightening up (because drawings of a skate-ramp is boring as shit but thats all they could think of because they'd been up late the night before with that slag Steffy and her 'magic lips').

So you thought 'wouldn't it be cool if i shot them with a fish-eye lens, it would look just like the photos i see in the magazines and they'd be really happy and not beat me up everyday and make my life a living hell for being a photography/photoshop geek'.

but oh no!!! you can't afford a fish-eye lens on the money you get for washing your stepdads car, besides the fact that you still owe him for that pocketwizard set you accidently bid for on eBay using his credit card details.

so what to do? you read a tutorial that said photoshop could distort the image to make it look like a really cool fish-eye shot. so you said you'd take the photos for the skaters and your pathetic little teenage life would be worth living and nothing like the pages of a Nirvana Fanzine anymore.

well you were wrong. very very wrong. PS won't do that for you. it'll look shit and you'll get beaten up again, they'll get F's for their GCSE projects, won't get jobs and will blame you for their shitty lives claiming the dole until they win the lottery and make your life even worse by creeping on your wife and stealing her from you just to piss you off and continue the grude that you stareted by fuckin up their skating photos.

so whats the answer? a simple 6 step guide to fish-eye shots on the cheap. i've saved your life, you owe me beer and your pocketwizards bitch.

1.go fishing for a big fish. i mean a reel big fish.
2. catch the big fish and cut out its eyes. be careful, you need them both
3.take out the optics from your shitty sigma lens that you got as a kit lens from Jessops when your mummy and stepdaddy got your camera at xmas
4. get some red elastic bands off the pavement outside your house (they're there, the lazy postman drops them instead of putting them in his pocket, prick). glue each eye lens to a sepparate elasticband and mount them on the drive motorpoints where the shitty sigma lenses were.
5. mount the lens on your D40 and fuck me sideways, its a cheap fish-eye lens. no PS, no fuckin about
6.you owe me beer and pocketwizards bitch.