is just as bad:
pixelmator is a PS clone.
Don't you even dare to say that photoediting with this programme makes what you're doing okay.
it doesn't.
not only does it make you a shitty little photoshop user but it means you're too cheap to pay the kid at PCWorld for it.
And if you comment about GIMP or GIMPSHOP I'll track you down kill you slowly with broken lens glass.
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Monday, May 19, 2008
Finally - the correct use of PS
http://www.startribune.com/local/19043254.html?location_refer=Local%20+%20Metro
what do you do if you work in a company making year books for rich little high-school kids and they tell you they want all the shots to have the same size head and eyes at the same level?
fuck with the photos, obviously! if only i could find some examples to show you.
what do you do if you work in a company making year books for rich little high-school kids and they tell you they want all the shots to have the same size head and eyes at the same level?
fuck with the photos, obviously! if only i could find some examples to show you.
Thursday, May 15, 2008
On People's PSing
PSwhore - hey, checkout the photoshopping I did to this picture. its not my normal style, do you think its too much?
A-R-P: YES. it was too much when you paid the chump at PCWorld for the software, fool.
A-R-P: YES. it was too much when you paid the chump at PCWorld for the software, fool.
just a quick one
someone asked me about the PS way to straighten photos as some of their's were a little bit on the wonk.
why even bother? if you're unable to stand up straight or hold your camera level you won't be able to find the free-transform option or even drag out some guidelines.
and, to be honest you don't deserve the gift of sight either. i suggested the person blind themselves as it would save a lot of bother in the long-run.
why even bother? if you're unable to stand up straight or hold your camera level you won't be able to find the free-transform option or even drag out some guidelines.
and, to be honest you don't deserve the gift of sight either. i suggested the person blind themselves as it would save a lot of bother in the long-run.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
RGB photos WITHOUT PHOTOSHOP!
Split RGB shots are all the rage (according to whatcameradoineed? magazine) but they suggest you split the RGB channels and assign each one to three different photos and then merge them in Photoshop.
why bother?
simply spray your subject or model with hydro-clora-pscdic-admifoli-ristobulin? this 'magic' spray splits light waves into their three component channels and, using light-eating nanotechnology can remove one, two or even all three of the RGB components leaving you with the colour you wanted to create that amazing look!
simple when you know how!
PLEASE NOTE:
Be sure to get the 'hydro-clora-pscdic-admifoli-ristobulin-proform plus' antidote spray as without it the surrounding area will be coated with the light-eating nanotechnology and will eventually lose all colour saturation and begin attracting dark-matter. If left untreated this dark-matter will form into a meta-matter that has the potential to break the traditional dimension's of space and time into the 12 dimensions of string-theory and by doing this will cause the universe and all matter contained within it to cease to exist.
then who would see your pretty picture?
why bother?
simply spray your subject or model with hydro-clora-pscdic-admifoli-ristobulin? this 'magic' spray splits light waves into their three component channels and, using light-eating nanotechnology can remove one, two or even all three of the RGB components leaving you with the colour you wanted to create that amazing look!
simple when you know how!
PLEASE NOTE:
Be sure to get the 'hydro-clora-pscdic-admifoli-ristobulin-proform plus' antidote spray as without it the surrounding area will be coated with the light-eating nanotechnology and will eventually lose all colour saturation and begin attracting dark-matter. If left untreated this dark-matter will form into a meta-matter that has the potential to break the traditional dimension's of space and time into the 12 dimensions of string-theory and by doing this will cause the universe and all matter contained within it to cease to exist.
then who would see your pretty picture?
Keeping bystanders out of your Perfect Picture
Many photoshop users will tell you stories about some of the latest techniques in Photoshop cs3 for removing non-consistent objects in photographs. For example if you take 10 photographs of a street scene and then convert these to a smart object in Photoshop and perform a median function, you can remove the moving objects, such as people.
Why go through all this pissing arsery with photoshop when simply running around your local town square with a detonator made of an old calculator and a tv aerial screaming 'i'll fucking do it damn it!' will clear it in no time.
Why go through all this pissing arsery with photoshop when simply running around your local town square with a detonator made of an old calculator and a tv aerial screaming 'i'll fucking do it damn it!' will clear it in no time.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Sports Photography fish-eye coolness
So you've got some mates who do skateboarding inbetween smoking resin and touching themselves and they've asked you to take some photos because their GCSE design project needs brightening up (because drawings of a skate-ramp is boring as shit but thats all they could think of because they'd been up late the night before with that slag Steffy and her 'magic lips').
So you thought 'wouldn't it be cool if i shot them with a fish-eye lens, it would look just like the photos i see in the magazines and they'd be really happy and not beat me up everyday and make my life a living hell for being a photography/photoshop geek'.
but oh no!!! you can't afford a fish-eye lens on the money you get for washing your stepdads car, besides the fact that you still owe him for that pocketwizard set you accidently bid for on eBay using his credit card details.
so what to do? you read a tutorial that said photoshop could distort the image to make it look like a really cool fish-eye shot. so you said you'd take the photos for the skaters and your pathetic little teenage life would be worth living and nothing like the pages of a Nirvana Fanzine anymore.
well you were wrong. very very wrong. PS won't do that for you. it'll look shit and you'll get beaten up again, they'll get F's for their GCSE projects, won't get jobs and will blame you for their shitty lives claiming the dole until they win the lottery and make your life even worse by creeping on your wife and stealing her from you just to piss you off and continue the grude that you stareted by fuckin up their skating photos.
so whats the answer? a simple 6 step guide to fish-eye shots on the cheap. i've saved your life, you owe me beer and your pocketwizards bitch.
1.go fishing for a big fish. i mean a reel big fish.
2. catch the big fish and cut out its eyes. be careful, you need them both
3.take out the optics from your shitty sigma lens that you got as a kit lens from Jessops when your mummy and stepdaddy got your camera at xmas
4. get some red elastic bands off the pavement outside your house (they're there, the lazy postman drops them instead of putting them in his pocket, prick). glue each eye lens to a sepparate elasticband and mount them on the drive motorpoints where the shitty sigma lenses were.
5. mount the lens on your D40 and fuck me sideways, its a cheap fish-eye lens. no PS, no fuckin about
6.you owe me beer and pocketwizards bitch.
So you thought 'wouldn't it be cool if i shot them with a fish-eye lens, it would look just like the photos i see in the magazines and they'd be really happy and not beat me up everyday and make my life a living hell for being a photography/photoshop geek'.
but oh no!!! you can't afford a fish-eye lens on the money you get for washing your stepdads car, besides the fact that you still owe him for that pocketwizard set you accidently bid for on eBay using his credit card details.
so what to do? you read a tutorial that said photoshop could distort the image to make it look like a really cool fish-eye shot. so you said you'd take the photos for the skaters and your pathetic little teenage life would be worth living and nothing like the pages of a Nirvana Fanzine anymore.
well you were wrong. very very wrong. PS won't do that for you. it'll look shit and you'll get beaten up again, they'll get F's for their GCSE projects, won't get jobs and will blame you for their shitty lives claiming the dole until they win the lottery and make your life even worse by creeping on your wife and stealing her from you just to piss you off and continue the grude that you stareted by fuckin up their skating photos.
so whats the answer? a simple 6 step guide to fish-eye shots on the cheap. i've saved your life, you owe me beer and your pocketwizards bitch.
1.go fishing for a big fish. i mean a reel big fish.
2. catch the big fish and cut out its eyes. be careful, you need them both
3.take out the optics from your shitty sigma lens that you got as a kit lens from Jessops when your mummy and stepdaddy got your camera at xmas
4. get some red elastic bands off the pavement outside your house (they're there, the lazy postman drops them instead of putting them in his pocket, prick). glue each eye lens to a sepparate elasticband and mount them on the drive motorpoints where the shitty sigma lenses were.
5. mount the lens on your D40 and fuck me sideways, its a cheap fish-eye lens. no PS, no fuckin about
6.you owe me beer and pocketwizards bitch.
Removing Red-Eye
Photographer : "I'm worried about red-eye in my photographs"
Photoshop Bitch : "don't worry photoshop has a whole heap of tools that'll fix that in a jiffy"
Photographer : "Sweet, hey man can we throw a lens flare in there too?"
These conversations should never happen. Red Eye can be avoided easily. A gentle application of Coal (nature's cosmetic) to the eyeball will mask the reflective nature of the eyelid, and give that edgy look you've been looking for, without even touching a keyboard and mouse.
Photoshop Bitch : "don't worry photoshop has a whole heap of tools that'll fix that in a jiffy"
Photographer : "Sweet, hey man can we throw a lens flare in there too?"
These conversations should never happen. Red Eye can be avoided easily. A gentle application of Coal (nature's cosmetic) to the eyeball will mask the reflective nature of the eyelid, and give that edgy look you've been looking for, without even touching a keyboard and mouse.
An easy way to touch up the skin...
just like the pro's do:
STOP EATING CHIPS AND CURRY AND KEBABS AND SWEETS AND GREASE AND ANYTHING
models exist on low carb water, bitchyness supliments and virtually fat-free cocaine. their skin is pure as fresh snow and their hearts as dark as engine oil from an HGV delivering harpoons for the new whaling season.
if you can't afford that diet i suggest sewing your mouth shut and spending time in total sensory isolation. it won't do anything for your complexion but it'll keep you away from PS and it'll help develop your psycotic side nicely. you'll be beating housekeepers and throwing hissy fits on airliners in no time!
STOP EATING CHIPS AND CURRY AND KEBABS AND SWEETS AND GREASE AND ANYTHING
models exist on low carb water, bitchyness supliments and virtually fat-free cocaine. their skin is pure as fresh snow and their hearts as dark as engine oil from an HGV delivering harpoons for the new whaling season.
if you can't afford that diet i suggest sewing your mouth shut and spending time in total sensory isolation. it won't do anything for your complexion but it'll keep you away from PS and it'll help develop your psycotic side nicely. you'll be beating housekeepers and throwing hissy fits on airliners in no time!
As Father Ted once said...
'these are very small but those are far away.'
Father Dougal still didn't understand.
He didn't have to, he had photoshop to crop and scale things so he could make them big/small/far/close.
But you're not Irish childman god-botherer are you? No you understand that just next to your focus ring (see earlier post you before you even think about asking what that is). use it BEFORE you press that magic button which makes things go click.
And don't even mention prime lenses.
LOOK DOWN.
SEE THOSE THINGS ATTACHED TO YOUR ANKLES WITH THE WAGGLY BITS ON THE END? USE THEM TO WALK CLOSER TO THE FUCKIN OBJECT YOU LAZY BITCH.
Father Dougal still didn't understand.
He didn't have to, he had photoshop to crop and scale things so he could make them big/small/far/close.
But you're not Irish childman god-botherer are you? No you understand that just next to your focus ring (see earlier post you before you even think about asking what that is). use it BEFORE you press that magic button which makes things go click.
And don't even mention prime lenses.
LOOK DOWN.
SEE THOSE THINGS ATTACHED TO YOUR ANKLES WITH THE WAGGLY BITS ON THE END? USE THEM TO WALK CLOSER TO THE FUCKIN OBJECT YOU LAZY BITCH.
Want a romantic portrait by the Eiffel Tower but can't afford the ticket?
Don't spend ages faffing around cutting things out in Photoshop, stagnating indoors whilst your friends frolic in the sunshine.
Step 1) Go to B & Q and purchase a ladder, some 'No More Nails' contact adhesive and a broom handle.
Step 2) Drive to your favorite motorway and find a Billboard with the Eiffel tower on it
Step 3) Get your partner / associate to cover your back in 'No More Nails' contact adhesive. Return the favour in kind. Also use said adhesive to attach your Camera to the broom handle you bought earlier.
Step 4) Drink your weak lemon drink now, or save it for later.
Step 5) Pick a spot in front of the Billboard and get your partner to hold the ladder you bought earlier whilst you quickly climb it. Your weight on the ladder should cause it to tip backward, forcing you neatly against the surface of the billboard. The 'No More Nails' contact adhesive should hold you firmly in place.
Step 6) Get your partner / associate to pass you the Broom handle camera device and then ask them / her / she to climb the ladder also, slightly to the left and or right of you.
Step 7) Kick away the ladder so it does not ruin your shot.
Step 8) Set the Camera on timer and then move it away from you so you're holding the opposing end of the broom handle.
Step 9) Wait for the marketing company to replace the billboard, head home and enjoy your romantic snap and fools your friends into thinking the time you've been missing without a trace was spent in Paris, not near the M1.
Step 1) Go to B & Q and purchase a ladder, some 'No More Nails' contact adhesive and a broom handle.
Step 2) Drive to your favorite motorway and find a Billboard with the Eiffel tower on it
Step 3) Get your partner / associate to cover your back in 'No More Nails' contact adhesive. Return the favour in kind. Also use said adhesive to attach your Camera to the broom handle you bought earlier.
Step 4) Drink your weak lemon drink now, or save it for later.
Step 5) Pick a spot in front of the Billboard and get your partner to hold the ladder you bought earlier whilst you quickly climb it. Your weight on the ladder should cause it to tip backward, forcing you neatly against the surface of the billboard. The 'No More Nails' contact adhesive should hold you firmly in place.
Step 6) Get your partner / associate to pass you the Broom handle camera device and then ask them / her / she to climb the ladder also, slightly to the left and or right of you.
Step 7) Kick away the ladder so it does not ruin your shot.
Step 8) Set the Camera on timer and then move it away from you so you're holding the opposing end of the broom handle.
Step 9) Wait for the marketing company to replace the billboard, head home and enjoy your romantic snap and fools your friends into thinking the time you've been missing without a trace was spent in Paris, not near the M1.
White balance...
All the time I hear... “Don’t worry about the white balance right now I can sort it in photoshop” Why I ask you? What is wrong with sorting it out at the time you take the photo. For god sake there are presets and even a “AUTO” setting on your camera if you can’t manage to find something to balance from... Come on sort it out..
Do you like lens flares?
Then stop rendering those tacky looking red shiny things in Photoshop and point your lens at the fucking SUN. Add welding mask to taste.
Really like that soft focus MGM-star portrait style?
THEN STOP DICKING AROUND WITH GAUSSIAN BLUR IN PHOTOSHOP AND USE THE FUCKIN FOCUS RING YOU IDIOT!!! SERIOUSLY, WHAT DID YOU THINK IT WAS FOR? CORRECTING YOUR FUCKIN STIGMATISM BECAUSE YOU SAT TOO CLOSE TO THE TV ALL DAY AS A CHILD AND DIDN'T PLAY OUTSIDE BECAUSE YOUR PARENTS THOUGHT IT WAS TOO DANGEROUS FOR YOU TO PLAY ON THE SWINGS LIKE THE OTHER CHILDREN? NO, THATS NOT WHAT ITS FOR NUMBNUTS. HEY, HERE'S A TIP FOR FREE, YOU WANT IT TO REALLY LOOK LIKE THOSE MGM-STAR PICTURES? WHACK UP THE ISO TO ITS MAX AND IT'LL LOOK OLD AND SHIT QUALITY. SEE, NO NEED TO EVEN GO LOOKING IN THE FUCKIN FILTER GALLERY YOU MOUSE TWIDDLERING, SHORTCUT PRESSING, BIG SCREEN VIEWING, PHOTOSHOP-WANKING PRICK. ahem.
Simply MUST have that Tilt-shift shot but can't afford a tilt shift lens?
Well don't go pissing about with gradient masks and lens blurs in PS. instead simply build a 1/8th scale model of what you want to shoot and take a photo of that!
ADDED BONUS: because its a model you can take multiple pictures from different angles, and feel like god (other deities may apply) as you control all the little people in your 1/8th world and make them do your bidding. Perhaps give them names and imagine how they might interact/form relationships/fall in love/get bitter about how much time the other 1/8th size person spends in the 1/8th size shower/plan and execute the perfect 1/8th size murder/get caught by the 1/8th size Columbo smoking his 1/8th size cigar even though you can't smoke in a 1/8th size public place or at work.
ADDED BONUS: because its a model you can take multiple pictures from different angles, and feel like god (other deities may apply) as you control all the little people in your 1/8th world and make them do your bidding. Perhaps give them names and imagine how they might interact/form relationships/fall in love/get bitter about how much time the other 1/8th size person spends in the 1/8th size shower/plan and execute the perfect 1/8th size murder/get caught by the 1/8th size Columbo smoking his 1/8th size cigar even though you can't smoke in a 1/8th size public place or at work.
Love that Desaturated Look?
..well forget the 6 different ways to get it in PS. here are three ways to get that look without going near a computer :
1. shoot on b&w film. (yes i said film, film! ask ur mum. she knows all about 'tasteful' b&w shots on film trust me, i've seen the photos)
2. Fall off toilet whilst fixing a bathroom cabinet, bump head and come up with technical drawings for 'flux capacitor'. Build 'flux capacitor' into a Delorian (other late 70's underpowered/underfinanced cars will do for this).
Aquire radioactive fuel source (avoid being detected as a terrorist, suggest getting job in Nuc-power station for this). Test 'time machine' in Tesco-Extra carpark (need lot of space to get up to 88MPH) at night. Go back to when life was in b&w (1920's should do). Take photo. Return to now. repeat as required.
3. listen to Morrisey. that should take the colour out of your life.
1. shoot on b&w film. (yes i said film, film! ask ur mum. she knows all about 'tasteful' b&w shots on film trust me, i've seen the photos)
2. Fall off toilet whilst fixing a bathroom cabinet, bump head and come up with technical drawings for 'flux capacitor'. Build 'flux capacitor' into a Delorian (other late 70's underpowered/underfinanced cars will do for this).
Aquire radioactive fuel source (avoid being detected as a terrorist, suggest getting job in Nuc-power station for this). Test 'time machine' in Tesco-Extra carpark (need lot of space to get up to 88MPH) at night. Go back to when life was in b&w (1920's should do). Take photo. Return to now. repeat as required.
3. listen to Morrisey. that should take the colour out of your life.
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